November

Garrick Langley
Politics

It’s that time of year again, folks! The annual tradition where online males everywhere participate in the month-long event of abstinence. But why is surviving November so important?

Originating in the early 2010s and entering wider usage in 2017, No Nut November, or NNN, is a cultural phenomenon in which indivuduals abstain from any sexual activity for the duration of the month. Once the clock strikes 00:00 on November 1st, all must stop.

“May your W’s be manny and your maidens be few.” - Anonymous

Is NNN actually beneficial?

No, it’s an absurd challenge like everything else you see on the Internet.

What are people doing during NNN?

While many males are focusing on surviving, those of the Ligma faction have been found using NNN to their advantange. While the Alpha faction rests in hibernation, Ligmas go out in full force in search of women, which they call “maidens.” However, do not confuse Ligma nomenclature for Incels. While incels remain chronically online and wallow in self pity, the Ligmas forge bridges and establish relations in the real world.

The Ligma Faction

Ligma behavior appears to follow a roughly five-step process:

  • Step 1: Establishing relations with a target individual and earn their trust. This is usually accomplished by treating them as a normal person - a monumental task for an embarassing many.
  • Step 2: Determining their target’s likes, dislikes, hobbies, and other traits. These important facets of their life can generally be gleaned through idle conversation with their target. Alternatively, Ligmas may seek to network with their target’s friend group, increasing the intelligence dragnet.
  • Step 3: Drafting a portfolio on the target and adapting personality to fit their tastes. Ligmas tend to know what they’re getting into, as they organize what they know already and how to effectively use that information in conversation, allowing them to further increase their relations with the target, or to some other advantage.
  • Step 4: Playing the long game. Trust is a fickle thing that is gained slowly and lost in an instant. The longer a Ligma stays embedded in the target’s life, the more ’trustworthy’ they become.
  • Step 5: Shooting the shot. After long enough time, the Ligma may choose to take the shot. If it misses, they are forced back to the drawing board. If it hits dead-on, the mission is a success and their status increases among the Ligma faction.

The Sigma Faction

Other than the Ligma faction is the Sigmas. Sigmas seek to improve themselves through working out, thus becoming the archetypal strong, rugged male lead character.

Sigma behavior often follows these steps:

  • Step 1: Complain about having no girlfriend, or, more vulgarly, “getting no b******.”
  • Step 2: Working out with fellow Sigmas, often referred to as “the homies”. This sense of kinship allows them to survive and thrive in our cruel world.
  • Step 3: Do steroids to get even buffer.
  • Step 4: Repeat from step 1.

The Factionless

There are also people during NNN who are not part of the faction. They are derisively known to members of any of the existing factions as “normal people.” These folks have a blatant disregard for any Internet culture, and spit in the face of what NNN is all about - finding a community amongst a sea of lonely, pathetic netizens.

Often, the Factionless follow this behavior:

  • Step 1: Never go online.
  • Step 2: There is no step 2.

What is the life lesson we should learn?

Go outside. Now.

Touch grass.